I was a teenage psychic detective, trying to solve a case and win a bike. So, I headed over to Stephen King’s house—he was blind and in a wheelchair—and told him I knew who had tried to kill him: the mafia, of course. Then, his bitchy young wife and haughty mother-in-law kicked me out.
On the way out, I ran into a messenger (who looked a lot like my mom) delivering a skateboard for Mr. King. This was obviously a threat from the mob, so I ran back in and started yelling for everyone to “Get the fuck out; they’re coming for you!”
Then, for reasons I don’t know, I was suddenly driving a road-safe bathtub (filled with Italian rap CDs) down the highway. I slammed through a gate and drove straight into the ocean. I managed to swim to the pier and climb out just as the bathtub blew up underwater. Then, as I was winding my way through some crates to escape undetected, I ran into Biggie Smalls, who was actually a small Asian woman with a gun.
And then I woke up. No idea if I won the bike.
So you wanna be my friend, so you wanna be my lover? With you, I do confess I can’t be one without the other. That was hard for me to say, I hope I said it right.
I don’t like to hunt and I’d rather write a poem than play a sport. My idea of a date is dinner, not a bedroom. I can overanalyze things, and I often care too much. I crave direction, and these days I can’t settle for something that won’t go anywhere. When I invest in something or someone, I want it to be worth it. I’d much rather go to a concert than to a football game. Love to me is a journey, not a destination. I have days when I plan too much and days when I plan too little. I worry about far too much, often to the point where it threatens my peace of mind. I want to create, not destroy. I am still figuring myself out.
1. Use the time of a total stranger in such a way that he or she will not feel the time was wasted.
2. Give the reader at least one character he or she can root for.
3. Every character should want something, even if it is only a glass of water.
4. Every sentence must do one of two things — reveal character or advance the action.
5. Start as close to the end as possible.
6. Be a sadist. Now matter how sweet and innocent your leading characters, make awful things happen to them — in order that the reader may see what they are made of.
7. Write to please just one person. If you open a window and make love to the world, so to speak, your story will get pneumonia.
8. Give your readers as much information as possible as soon as possible. To heck with suspense. Readers should have such complete understanding of what is going on, where and why, that they could finish the story themselves, should cockroaches eat the last few pages.
